At Sub Zero Cryo Cargo, we pride ourselves on our deliciously pointless mission of transporting nothing to absolutely nobody! We strive to maintain operational excellence by freezing, misplacing, and occasionally delivering biological cargo of questionable origins. We do all this with the highest standards of sub‑zero professionalism. We ensure every process requires at least three signatures and one hallway that does not exist on any map.
We promise to deliver excellence or something vaguely resembling it. If we fail, we’ll produce a seriously meticulous, aggressively over-formatted report explaining why, including the mysterious disappearance of George’s thumb.
If you recently received an unsolicited Left Thumb in your shipment, alert us immediately so we can start the retrieval process before it starts generating paperwork.
Welcome to Sub Zero Cryo Cargo!
Our Motto: Better than chicken, worse than Karls's gym socks.
At Sub Zero Cryo Cargo, a proudly imaginary subsidiary of the equally fictional International Semen Shippers, our mission is to boldly transport absolutely nothing to nobody.
We are committed to wasting time and delivering a premium cryogenic experience to cargo that does not exist, has never existed, and will never exist.
We uphold the highest standards of unnecessary complexity and inefficient scientific overconfidence. If it’s not frozen, confusing, and completely pointless, it’s not us. Actually, it's probably the real deal and you should maybe take it seriously. But if you're reading this...well, that's a couple minutes of your life you're never getting back.
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Imaginary Transactions
Frozen Cargo
Happy Customers
Why Choose Us?
Discover our unique services!
Transportation and deliveries
All shipments are escorted by licensed drivers and one unlicensed observer. Our drivers are trained in evasive maneuvers and emotional detachment. Every route is optimized for minimal thaw. Routes are randomized hourly. If your package arrives early, it wasn’t meant for you.
Cryogenic Puzzles
Enjoy our baffling range of operations that beg the question: Why?
Our Department of Luminescence has successfully introduced glow genes to 17 species. The result? Fewer nighttime casualties and one raccoon who now qualifies as a lighthouse.
In-Office Procedures
Our in-office procedure suites are cozy, clean, and equipped with devices that handle intake, outtake, extraction, insertion, and anything labeled “miscellaneous.” Staff will guide you through our self-serve options with gentle encouragement and a laminated chart titled “What That Machine Probably Does.”
Top-Tier Experience
Sub Zero includes cryo‑techs, logisticians, biologists, one guy who can identify any animal by smell, and another guy who just knows stuff.
Our team is polished, precise, and deeply committed to keeping things cold emotionally and literally.
Contact us
Telephone: Spunk On Ice 1-888-SUB-ZERO
E-mail: subzerocryocargo@gmail.com
Address: 47-B Sub-Basement Way, Frostbite Junction, 00000, NOPE, North Nowhere